Is it easier to forgive or to apologize?
Why you should forgive others for the sake of yourself
I still remember the pain that a loved one once inflicted on me. To forgive him seemed almost impossible to me - especially since I had not received an apology and I had banished this person from my life.
The only way to ever close this old wound is to forgive. And not for his sake, but simply for my own sake.
For seven long years the pain the heartbreaker had inflicted on me pounded inside me. It was paired with anger, incomprehension and the fear that something similar might happen to me again. One fine morning I felt the pain particularly strong again because of a song on the radio that reminded me of times together. And then I realized: The only way to ever close this old wound is forgiveness. And not for his sake - he was obviously not interested in my dilemma - but simply for my own sake.
Finally forgiven - a lesson
I realized that morning that forgiveness is not a matter of showing kindness to the person who has hurt us, but rather a choice for our own good. Because I couldn't forgive and finish what happened back then, the memories and painful emotions kept popping into my life. Yes, they even influenced my relationships, my worldview and my actions.
Choose forgiveness - for your own sake.
Three ways to forgive
So I forgave. For now, that's easier said than done. Especially when there is still anger, peace seems unattainable. So I researched more closely and dealt with the stumbling blocks of forgiveness, which ultimately led me to three different ways in which forgiveness becomes possible.
1. Find answers
When we have been offended, disappointed or hurt, many questions usually remain unanswered: Why did he / she do this to me? Why did no one help me? What made him / her do this?
We rarely get a satisfactory answer to such questions. And so they gnaw mercilessly at our peace of mind. You can put an end to this by beginning to be aware of these questions and to note them down. Then you try to put yourself in a neutral position and answer the open questions. You just write down what comes to mind, whether it's true or not.
When an old pain overshadows our lives, it's often because we haven't forgiven ourselves.
For a moment we then feel a relief. It's finally here - the answer that has kept us from coming to terms with the past for so long. Through this process, we don't prevent the question from occurring again, but we gain awareness. Awareness that the next time the pain occurs can help us push the question aside.
2. Forgive yourself
When an old pain overshadows our lives, it's often because we haven't forgiven ourselves. Why did I have this done to me back then? Why didn't I notice something earlier?
Mostly we are not even aware of the self-judgment. For example, I always assumed without questioning that I was partly to blame for my dilemma. I believed I acted in ways that the other had a reason to hurt me. In plain English, this means that I assumed part of the blame for the injury I suffered. Self-blame and low self-esteem are clear signals of such a situation.
The inner image of how I lovingly embrace my former self helped me enormously in forgiving.
When I figured this out, I understood that I had to forgive myself too. To do this, I put myself in my former self and tried to understand that it was my best then. It wasn't as wise and experienced as I am today. It just couldn't help it and acted as it could. The inner image of how I lovingly embrace my former self helped me enormously in forgiving.
3. Obtain a vicarious apology
The one who has done bad must repent for it. Most of us have been taught that. But what if the other person just doesn't apologize? Most of the time, we lack the retribution that we assume will deliver us. Fortunately, I came across a method whereby it is possible to obtain a vicarious apology that will help heal the old wounds.
I apologize for what you suffered ...
At the time, I turned to someone I knew who was willing to listen to the old story in great detail. I was finally able to make someone understand my pain and the full extent of my disappointment. My confidante showed the greatest understanding and finally apologized on behalf of the person who had hurt me. She said, “It is terrible what injustice has been done to you. That wasn't okay! I apologize for what you had to suffer ... "
At first I found this strange, but over time I noticed how the burden fell off me through this simulated process and I was finally able to forgive for the sake of myself.
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