I have become unable to love
loveAm I unable to relate? How fear of attachment arises!
- Diagnosis of inability to have a relationship - does it even exist?
- What fear of commitment and fear of loss have in common
- How dangerous protective strategies prevent you from loving
Incapable of relationship? How fear prevents you from loving
Charming, intelligent, attractive - and yet single: No wonder many women wonder if something is wrong with them. An explanation that often follows is: "I am then probably unable to relate."
Am I unable to relate? The term alone causes discomfort because it sounds so unchangeable and so bleak. Like diagnosing a bad illness.
But Eric Hegmann, couple advisor and Parship coach, makes it clear: "Everyone is capable of a deep bond, but not every relationship is good". Here he explains how fear of attachment and fear of loss arise and prevent us from loving:
"Incapable of relationships is a bad word. Above all, it is not a diagnosis. No reputable doctor, psychologist, or professional would ever give you such a diagnosis.
Admittedly not everyone has the same relationship potentialThat means there are certainly egoists, pessimists and quick-tempered or aggressive contemporaries who simply do not bring with them what it takes to endure them in a room for a long time.
But it's not about them, but about all those with normal needs for closeness, for intimacy, for security and affection. So about all of those who repeatedly come across the wrong people, who mainly fall in love with those who do not want a relationship or who cannot fall in love with those who show interest in them.
That's a whole lot of people, and more and more are being felt. As if some unknown force were bringing together those who do not fit together because somehow one always wants more than the other. One tries hard and the more he does that, the faster the courted person escapes.
By the way, this is not gender specific. Men also complain about women who are unable to choose or bind. Those who are completely honest know each other in one situation as well as in the other. Sometimes you give everything and get disappointed, sometimes you are the target of advertising attempts that are simply unsuccessful.
Do you actually want a loving relationship?
Often it is precisely those who suffer from unconscious fear of attachment who long for a relationship.The reason for this is fear, more specifically fear of loss (if you make an effort) or fear of attachment (if you flee). As contradictory as these behaviors sound, they have the same origin. That is why they appear again and again in that unhappy combination, because the supposed “power” that brings together the fear of loss and fear of attachment is the human attachment system.
Sounds complicated, but ultimately the desire for closeness always means that you want to exchange ideas, that you want to be accepted and also that you want to feel safe and protected.
How strong these needs are is directly related to yours Self esteem to do. If that has been violated, your desire for security is likely to be particularly strong. Or you will want a lot of recognition in order to make you feel more secure.
Fear of loss and fear of commitment are therefore two sides of the same coin: low self-esteem. It's just a matter of different strategies.
People who are “unable to relate” want to protect themselves
In order not to be injured, people develop protective measures. These are behaviors designed to prevent you from getting into dangerous situations again. A loss-anxious guy wants to avoid having to relive the pain of a breakup. A bond-scared guy too - he just doesn't let anyone get so close that a breakup can even come about.
Anyone who has been injured once develops these protective strategies so that this does not happen again: fear of loss or fear of attachment
People who are “unable to relate” have internalized one or the other strategy, often unconsciously. It may well be that someone who wants nothing more than a relationship is secretly sabotaging himself. For example, through particularly high demands. Because if no candidate is good enough, then there cannot be a painful breakup.
Anxious attachment types attract
It is in the nature of things that people who are “unable to relate”, that is, in truth, fearful and avoidant types of attachment, meet each other again and again and permanently attract and repel each other. This combination almost never works. And because it is experienced again and again, the belief in those affected is confirmed: "Something is wrong with me."
When negative beliefs are internalized as beliefs, self-worth suffers.
Your self-worth is related to such beliefs. Quite a few develop in the early years of childhood through your caregivers such as your parents.
How can you imagine this development? As small children, we don't question what our parents are doing. We perceive what they are doing as right.
Why we so often feel worthless
If our parents say or show us: “That wasn't good, but you're not doing anything right either,” we will believe. We'll internalize that. This then creates a belief that can be: “I am not enough.” From a behavior that shows again and again, only if you are good and good, then father and mother love you too, the belief can arise: “Um I have to make an effort to receive love. "
Negative beliefs are, for example: "I am not welcome, I am a nuisance, I am unimportant, I have to be considerate of your feelings. My wishes don't matter.“
You write yourself very deeply in our programming. So our attachment behavior is something like our programming, how we approach people and which people we want to be as close as possible. And this programming is changeable.
You can break out of your protection strategies if you really want to - and if necessary with support.
Of course it is too a conscious decision to persist in a painful pattern, i.e. to stay alone or only to engage in relationship models that do not go deep enough to be able to end painfully. Friendship plus, mingle relationships, almost relationships are solutions that sometimes work better and very often, above all, worse.
There is no such thing as an inability to have a relationship. Don't let it convince you. Instead, examine the negative beliefs that lead to the protective measures you want to take to avoid re-injuries.
Once you have seen through the programming that controls your attachment behavior, you will quickly see which behavior actually harms you and which can be good for you. "
More on the subject:
Is he unable to relate? These 10 points will tell you
Why we fall in love with incapacitated men
Relationship with borderline: How emotional cancer makes me unable to relate
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